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43720 (Not Our Fault)

by Ali Zagame

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about

This song was the hardest I've ever had to write. It's about a rape I suffered, and my experience with it. 43720 was the rape kit number I was given. This song is the most personal thing I've written, it's like a piece of my soul as music. I hope you enjoy it and understand the pain that rape victims can suffer emotionally, but the strength we have as well.

lyrics

He told me it's my fault
for turning him on
he said it felt so right
when i said it was wrong

his hands were cold
and his heart was frozen
when his lips slammed on mine
i closed my eyes
and held the screams inside

Chorus:
oh can i still wear white
on my wedding day
though no shower's gonna wash
the cheap feelings away
i kept laughing to nurses
pretending this never happened
but they gave me a form that says
how much im damaged
number 43720

he got a slap on the wrists
after clutching mine
guess even justice
needs a day off sometimes

i had surrounding support
but it was never enough
when the 3am nightmares come
i'm still alone when i wake up

so how can i reach out for help
when i still have trouble trusting myself
with myself

(Chorus)

i know there's a light
somewhere in this
but for now i'll blend in better
with the rain
please don't
expect a smile for a while
just like i won't expect you
to know what to say
or understand my pain

but im gonna still wear white
on my wedding day
though no shower's gonna wash
the cheap feelings away
so to the numbers and the nameless
the victims truly blameless
lets not hate these bodies
we did nothing wrong
we already suffered too long
and it was not our fault
it was not our fault

credits

released June 29, 2015
Thanks to Kaleb Jack and Belinda Huang for helping me produce this, and Chris Cavalier for the photo.

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

AliZ Boston, Massachusetts

Hello! My name's Alessandra, Ali for short. I was born in Paris, though raised primarily in Massachusetts. I found my love for music at age 11, and began songwriting at Berklee College of Music. I tend to write storytelling songs, and songs that raise awareness or create an impact in some way. I hope my music speaks to you<3 ... more

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